The Midnight News 7.02.01 

Posted By Hyatte on 07.02.01

Lawler, Babes, Single A, McMahon, Jericho, Message Boards, the ''N'' word, and my return 

Ahhh....

Well, I'm back.... and horribly late. How can I call this the "Midnight News" when the damn thing's getting posted 7 and a half hours after midnight?

Well, it's sort of like how I called 40 pages of me rambling on about gay people, banging my dead mother, getting anally raped by my father and various prison inmates, and tormenting various Internet feebs and calling the thing a recap. I just CAN!!

I'd like to thank all the 411 kids for filling in for me last week.... well, not really, but it was fun to see each news update include my name in same fashion.

Oh, and which one of you losers sent me that e-mail from the "Internet Authority" claiming that I like to frequent interracial porn sites as well as sites dealing with bestiality? How DARE you!! I am, like, SO turned off by bestiality these days, you would be too once you learn that a parrot's cold, sharp beak is no substitute for the soft, loving caress of a Chihuahua’s mouth.

The Mop-Up is dead.... BUT HYATTE LIVES, BABY!!!!

"I think that was too much" Widro... within three minutes after I log onto AIM

Here we go... 

WHY RUIN THE SURPRISE? BECAUSE WE CAN!!

Three, oh yeah, THREE websites inadvertently teamed up so I can give you a fairly confident preview of tonight's Raw is War. Well, at least one big piece of business...

1Scherer says that Jerry "the King" Lawler and Scott "The Hairless" Hudson will show up at the Tacoma, Washington show tonight to announce at least one match. They will use Lawler's real life dealings with the company to help fuel his role in WCW's "Invasion". If and when WCW gets it's TV slot full time, this will more than likely be the announce team. Scherer also added that the Kat may be back too. 

This might be the first time a wrestler has WON a pissing contest with Vinnie Mac... if this is legit.

Truth be told,Meltzer broke this story first, but no one believed him, (plus, Lawler balls out LIED to us about what was going on... if my non-existent research and fried memory is serving me). Meltzer smugly added that Lawler's return has been booked for over a week now.

If this sumbitch IS back... WITH his wife.... then there might be a chance for the return of Grand Master Sexay after all... and if he pulled THAT off.... then by God, he really IS the "King of Wrestling".

Meanwhile, RF Video reported that a planned Raw match between Austin and Tazz has to be scrapped because Austin's back is hurting him. (Debra's boobies must be like concrete bowling balls.... poor, lucky bastich must have to lean WAAAAAY BACK)

The Torch, meanwhile, spent it's weekend trying desperately to sell Bruce Mitchell's retarded claim that calling Booker T a "troglodyte" and goofing on the way he pronounces "ask" is blatant racism. Yeesh, can YOU say "cheap heat"?

LLLLLLLLLOSERRRRRR

The New York Post, not exactly the most wrestling-friendly newspaper around, giggled that the XFL fiasco cost the WWFE $47 million dead presidents (word dat, yo!) instead of the $35 mil that they claimed. This makes Vince the NY Post's "Loser of the Week" ("Loser of the Year" still goes to that guy pretending to be a domesticated pet who DARED tried to fool with the Mighty Hyatte!)

Meltzer wisely pointed out that so far this year, Vince McMahon eliminated all his competition and is now the sole ruler of American Wrestling.... so he isn't THAT much of a loser.

NEKKID RASSLIN' BABES! START SPANKING, YA MARK BOYS!

Missy Hyatt, Tammy Fytch, and some girl named Raylin are banding together to get nude and make you pay for the pix. It ain't porn, but it's as close as you're gonna get.

Their site is called Wrestlingvixxxens. It's coming in a week or so. You- yeah- YOU can snag a free sneak preview by clicking he....

WAAIT.... before I send you there... allow ME to tell you what this sneak preview shows you. Then you can decide whether it's worth your effort.

-No one is naked. Bikinis abound, but no nipple action.

-You only get one picture for each girl, and it's a small one, off to the side.

-Missy's lips are now large enough to be called tires.

-The "Sun"(ny), alas, is still setting.

-The opening page features a pretty kinky little lesbian bikini photo with all three girls close together and all grab assy. The blub says, "Cumming soon". It's pretty hot.

Okay... NOW, if you want.... here's the
preview. For Chrissakes, keep your pants on.

Oh, and they just announced (although it could have been last week, for all I know), that Dawn Marie will also be a part of the site. I like Dawn Marie.... but I'm partial to broads who look like they've had more than their fair share of rough sex over the years. (scraggy, ragged out, sleazy.... oh baby! I miss my Mommy)

GOING DAWN ONLINE

While we're on the subject (and Lord knows I love slick segues), the very elusive Dawn Marie Whateverherlastnameis was cornered by RF Video and gave up an interview. On TV, she never looked like the brightest of bulbs, so this is her chance to show us all that she was more than just baggy eyes and fake breasts.... she has a BRAIN!!!

-She says she's been training to wrestle during the week and working Indy dates over the weekend! (imagine if Wendi Richter showed that sort of initiative!! The 80's would've been a whole new ball game!!)

-Her advice to ALL wrestlers... male AND female is to follow your heart and go to a local wrestling school! The heart wants what the heart wants! Let the heart guide you! (Isn't that what got OJ in trouble a few years ago? Woody Allen too?)

-She admits that it's hard being a woman in the business, because it means you are the only female in the locker room! (some girls, many of whom are my ex-girlfriends, would absolutely ADORE that idea.... rancid SLUTBAGS!!!). Because of the gender dominance of her business, some of her best friends are males! (she just say that Francine has a pecker?)

-Dawn Marie does NOT recommend unnecessary surgery for women to succeed! (9 out of every 10 actresses in Hollywood inject rat poison into their face.... what dream world is this girl living in? We want porn star bodies in our females! FLAPJACKS ARE HEAT KILLERS!!)

-She was asked if there was real heat between her and Francine. She didn't exactly answer the question. She danced. The words "horse" and "face" were not spoken

-She said that she's working real hard at the craft and is waiting by the phone for a call from anyone named "McMahon". (snatch her up! Rasslin' needs more slutty looking brunettes)

YOU CAN'T SPELL "CAR WASH" WITHOUT "CW"

CW Anderson did a radio interview where he addressed the BURNING question of his possible future with the WWF. (By God, it was the only thing the Net could talk about for the last three weeks!!)

I forgot who did the Interview, but my boys at
A1 wrestling BUSTED the story WIDE OPEN!!! Those exclusive grabbing BASTARDS!!!

-He says that he has NOT been contacted by the WWF. He WANTS to be contacted by the WWF, but it hasn't happened. He openly wondered which Internet Homo started the rumor and got his hopes up? (I blame Scaia)

-He HATES the idea of Tough Enough. Thinks a young wannabe should break in the old fashioned way.... through oral sex on fat, small time promoters and plenty of it!

He said more... but jeeze.... who cares about CW Anderson? One might ask just who the hell cares about Dawn Marie? The answer is I do dammit.... I do. It's my damn news column. 

BUT, PLUGS

Scanning the news columns from last week, it occurred to me that I may be the only columnist who knows how to feign interest in other people's work. Sad... sad. TRY A LITTLE ENTHUSIAM NEXT TIME, BOYS!!!!

Tom Daniels is 411's NEW
Heat recapper (what happened to the old one? Who WAS the old one... *snort*) and proves why he was BORN to do the job with a THRILLING recap!!! 

Bryce McNeil has decided that there is too much garbage in his wrestling lately and has called for an END to insane bumps! Or, at the very least, a limit. He meditates on the subject in a brand new (a couple of days old) edition of
Foot on the Ropes. Read it and consider yourself lucky that Bryce isn't CHARGING you for this brilliance!!

Ben Morse busts a philosophical cap in your ass with an examination of Jerry Lynn in his latest Mean column. Read it and LEARN, DAMMIT.

Finally, Jeff Gardner does the WWF meets The Real World thing in part two of a column he calls the Hanging Gardens. It's called this because HE is "The Gardner"... get it? He's gonna WEED OUT THE COMEDY!!! It's IRONY BABY!!! It's Jeff's mission to be 411's newest "funnyman".... ahh, Chris Mack once had that same dream too. In fact, I think Mack still does.... haw! LOSER!!

I MAY put up a Guest Commentary this week too. Maybe.

I WILL be doing an And Another Thing this week. I promise.

Honky's away. So we look elsewhere for dopey wrestler comments.

WHY TOO J? WHY?

Chris Jericho now has TWO websites. His own, and a
new WWF sponsored one. I'm too damned lazy to locate the original, so you only get the new one.

Anywhoo, his inaugural commentary wasn't anything worth talking about, but I did pick up on one small aside he made: 

Like a wise man - Stan Hansen - once told me, wrestling ain’t ballet, baby. Wrestling isn’t ballet - it’s hard-hitting, and sometimes guys get hurt.

Which is all well and good, but keep in mind that Stan Hansen is about as blind as a bat... so he probably saw Jericho's flowing blonde locks and assumed he was a babe. Plus, Jericho is a LITTLE fey.... Hansen was probably just trying for a little booty action.

Plus, Hansen isn't that bright.... he's the guy who once tried to assault PWI's Liz Hunter for trespassing on his property and interviewing his wife. Liz and the Wifey made up a lame excuse that she just wanted Stan's old Chili recipe. "The Lariat" calmed right down.

Plus, seeing how Liz Hunter was a FICTIONAL CHARACTER.... so odds are Hansen was really speaking to Bill Apter in a wig and fake boobs.

No matter how you slice it.... Wrestling ain't ballet, Hansen's a buffoon, Jericho can pass for a girl, and PWI made quite a nice bundle of dough by LYING TO US.

You know.... this whole thing seemed really, really funny in my mind. On (cyber) paper, it's a F-ing trainwreck. God, I can hear the crickets chirping. Let's move on.

ACROSS THE BOARDS

We got us some Sarah comments, flames galore, some comments by me, and the dreaded n-word. Have fun.

"Please don't eat me, I have a wife and kids... eat THEM!!"

"cripes --- why do I have the feeling that this place is now a kindergarden?" 

"i'm just a 23 year old virgin, my whole life has been anticipation..."

"You are a nincompoop, sir. Baseball is NOT the same as the WWF." 

"Angle: His match with Shane was totally unnecessary. I also have to laugh at the Torch for pointing out Booker's inexperience in the WWF and his rustiness, but not pointing out that Shane McMahon has had probably less than 1/100 of Booker's ring experience. Why not call Shane on Angle's injuries, if you're going to call Booker on Austin's?"

"Regardless of the reasons why, by yanking the story like it never happened, Dave Flairzer just did the turnbuckle flip, and is now standing on the apron, just waiting for Lex Ryder to clothesline him to the floor. And from the looks of it so far, Dave would deserve it."

"Earth to Mitchell, Black people are... (and I'm not sure how to break this to you, homeboy) PEOPLE. You know. Like you. Like me. They're not so freakin' inferior and fragile that the need some dumbass Internet Jockey leaping on a soapbox to protect them from Vince's horrible use of the term 'trogladyte'." 

"Maybe some of you sissies can see if a Pillow Fight PPV is being offered. I mean, Christ, for rasslin' fans some of you are a little too sensitive and politically correct, don'tcha think?" 

"Amidst all the jokes about SaraTaker's looks... the fact remains: all of you on this board would shag her blind. Including the women!"

"You, Old School John.... are like a wrestling trekkie, with all your puroresu crap. I should have pegged you for one of those SMARTY PANTS types in the first place. Even though I love pro wrestling, I despise others who do, because they're all self-important know-it-all fanboys like yourself. You all wanna be that Meltzer guy, from the looks of it. I'm outta here. You make me wanna puke, and I'm not wasting anymore time on nerdy poindexters like yourself."

"Mr. Keith on Sara Taker : 'Who’s a huge fake-breasted cougar like Sara.' He forgot to add...'who could kick my ass, would never go out with me, and God help me if UT ever reads my assessment of his wife'" 

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Did he also mention the surgery (Tajiri) had that enables him to blow the mist? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Poor Rick (Scaia), fat, drunk and stupid must be a terrible way to through life..."

"Now I saw the interview on Mon night and I heard Booker T say 'axe'. What I think he was referring to is the fact that he uses the axe kick as a finisher. So he was making a pun. Go over to the torch and you'll notice that they seem to have a god damn phd thesis on the issue. God I'm beginning to hate the torch more everyday"

"Personally, I think The Torch is getting too carried away with this. Not every single black person talks the way Booker T. does." 

"Oh well, at least we got to see The One Billy Gunn wrestle again....wait a minute....oh yeah, I forgot. That SUCKED. Sorry, got confused there"

"Oh, and please people, stop using those little adlibs like X-Suck, X-Sock, X-Prick, X-Lax, etc etc. THEY SUCK!!!! Who told you those were funny, your seven year old brother!?" 

"When WCW starts Cole will do the Play by Play with some other anouncer for WCW and Tazz will try one more time at wrestling, good luck to the flaming dork and the toughest smurf who ever lived."

"The funny thing now is when are some guys from 1bob gonna pull a RF and have guys like 'Jack', 'Dan', 'Sam' and 'Chuck' post messages saying how we are evil and gonna cause 1wrestling to go out of business and say that poor Bob Ryder is going to have to live in a box."
"Apparently they are feeling the pinch of lost earnings thanks to people using anti pop up software. Please excuse me while I go dry my eyes." 

"And who the hell does William Regal think he is running his mouth about tea and crumpets!! Us Brits ain't like that!! I'm not dissing WWF but why don't they bring a cool Brit in like Brittish Bulldog!!"

"Now run along already - you've been told by at least half a dozen people that you're not wanted, so take your little friend Muta_Mark and piss off. I hear RSPW is looking for new recruits."

"Oh yeah I can see you have had women before. Especially Geoff with such witty repartée as 'HAHAHA f**k you troll'. Yeah, he must have had some great intelligent conversations with them too. Please, you wouldn't know what to do with a woman if you had an instruction manual. FYI, I don't run around calling them bitches all the time either. Most of the time it's chick. Or girl. What is it with you calling me boy? Are you part of NAMBLA and this is some sick and twisted B&D; trip for you? Or are you just a racist prick that likes to use racist remarks to try and make himself feel better? I'd thank you to keep your little life lessons to yourself, I don't need to know how to pick up women in a chat room, I'm confident enough to pick them up in the real world. Which I don't have to because I'm married you shmuck! I know, you feel sorry for my wife. Whatever. I treat women with respect, I just speak my mind and am brutally honest sometimes. I don't sugar coat anything."

"If you think it's racist, you're an idiot. Who am I kidding? You're an idiot anyway, but that's why I call you that - you think like the child you are. The notion that you're married is absurd; that would require maturity, something you don't know a thing about, considering you're small-minded enough to call yourself "G-Spot," then change your name in some piss-poor attempt to bother me, and *then* try to lie about it. You're nothing more than a 14-year-old troll whose parents shouldn't have let him hop on the computer this week. Stay off this board, stop wasting our time, and go pop some of your zits when you're not getting your mother's Victoria's Secret catalog sticky, boy." 

"Dawn is a very classy, very kind, very beautiful woman. She shouldnt lower herself to two girls who now are complete skanks, drug users who are wayyyyy past their prime and more importantly, good looks."

"I seem to remember reading a Jesus vs Satan Parody a while back, I'm positive it was a column though not a forum post. Any one help?"

Hyatte's Note: *sigh* how quickly they forget

"You are thinking of Hyatte's And Another Thing... It had Satan and Jesus being signed by the WWF..." 

Hyatte's Note: *sigh* And then I did one where they go to WCW, I even threw in one about ECW too. How quickly they forget

"i have seen blacks (pc?) call each other the "n" word all the time, but that is ok." 

"Whoa whoa, they say "nigga", not "nigger". Besides, it is a cultural thing. I'm not saying this myself, this is the speech I got when I asked the question in a column on my website."

Hyatte's note: This came off the TOA board. Nothing lamer than white boys who are afraid to use the word "nigger" in a non-offensive context without qualifying it. A coward's way out... and it makes you look more like a closet racist too. It's not the word, moron.... it's the intent behind it. 

"Hyatte should push the 411 Forum, the quotes he uses aren't from 411. I've never read a topic here that talks about Internet Wrestling Personalities."

Hyatte's Note: seems like all the 411 forum kids does is bitch about other posters and the mods

"So it appears that Chyna and the WWF will be parting ways in November time when her contract expires... I must say, it'll be a shame to not see this over-pushed, no-selling, boring, unnattractive, untalented ring worker defacing my TV screen anymore..."

"Thank God, she s***ed more d*** than X-Pac."

"Let's put wrestling back in the bingo halls and armories where it belongs!"

"Hmmm...it seems that the "Lawler back to WWF" story has completely disappeared from the Observer website. The links in messages on this board to the story no longer work, and there is no mention of the story anywhere I can find on the site. If Dave now thinks the story's bogus, he should post a retraction, like he did with KYFB radio stuff, not just excise his wrong story from the site." 

"Moesha...BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"I think I noticed a difference between the gore and the spear, but I'm probably just a retard."

"If she poses for playboy without the WWF hype machine, do you think a couple hundred thousand men will buy it, open it up and in their best David Byrne impersonation yell 'My God! What have I done?' as they realize they just bought a playboy that has Chyna naked?" 

"That would be cool if they made a spin-off of 'Touched By An Angel' called 'Fondeled by a Demon'. Tee Hee." 

"'Boy Meets World'? More like c*ck meets a$$. What the hell kind of queer shows do these PTC people like?"

"Amazing... HHH gets blamed for keeping Jericho down even when he isn't anywhere a WWF arena...."

"Glen Jacobs should deserve a lot of accolades for taking a gimmick that could have WrestleCrap (Think about it: Undertaker has a brother with a mask and lights things on fire...) and made it survive." 

"Powell's working his gimmick. Pay him no mind. He's a joke for a reason." 

"I want to take a stand RIGHT NOW and say that I as a White Person am TIRED of being Hassled By The Man." 

"Hunter got Jericho half way up on a vertical suplex, and loudly said: 'alright, on this one you're gonna start your comeback'. Lo and behold, that's what happened about a minute later." 

"Alrighty. I will have $40 in pocket tonight,and I am considering spending the majority (if not ALL) of it on tapes (and shipping for trades). What should I get?" 

A frickin' life, for starters.

And so it goes....

For anyone who cares, all these notes were pulled from 411, DVD, TOA, Slash, and.... no, that's it. Usually, I hit the Smarks too, but all they talk about is Scott Keith over there. Enough already.... he's not that important. Jesus. He's a CANADIAN for Allah's sake!

I also try to hit the Shooters board.... but they have maybe 4 new posts a month. 

I'm wiped.... I'm going home. Actually, I'm there already. Let's say I'm going AWAY FROM YOU. Yeah, that's better.

Oh, and I WILL reveal the name of the "23 year old virgin" sometime this week.... unless he pays me $2000 in unmarked five dollar bills.

Oh screw it.... it's Erik "No Soul" Ashley!!! BUSTED!!!

And... apology accepted.... just don't let it happen again! You and your "kitten" had best treat me with reverence and respect from now until the end of time!

Heh... ha. 

And I'm gone.

This is Hyatte